


Closest to Heaven

by Amberly



Series: Just Like Heaven [8]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Denial, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26877025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberly/pseuds/Amberly
Summary: Wufei is everything to him and Duo will do whatever it takes to keep his mouth shut, even if that means choking to death.
Relationships: Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell
Series: Just Like Heaven [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/405643
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Closest to Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes you fall in love with the most important person in your world and it terrifies you so much you can barely breathe with it, and you’re left trying to figure out how to act around this person when you feel like any moment you’re going to crawl out of your skin because you know, without a doubt, that saying Anything would lose you this person forever. 
> 
> Or: Duo copes, badly.

In his office he is cornered. Heero stops by to look at the scanty evidence he has and he is trapped and hyper aware of all the little things itching under his skin. All the little words that cling to his lips and threaten to tumble out when he has a quiet, still moment. Duo knows down to how many weeks, how many days, how many minutes and each one of them lies on his shoulders like a cross. Something to be borne. Duo drums his fingers on his desk and watches as Heero scans through the file. Reads his carefully penciled notes, highlighted phrases. He sets the file down and crosses his arms over his chest, giving Duo a direct look. 

“It’s not much to go on.”    
  
“I know. I don’t have much to go on.” Duo sighes and settles back in his chair. Props his elbow up in his hand and rests his chin in his palm. He stares petulantly at the file on his desk until Heero shoves his chair with his foot. His head hits the desk and Duo growls. It’s a half-hearted snarl, one with no real teeth in it, and that has Heero leaning in. Looming over him and gripping one arm of the chair in each hand as he gets himself right into Duo’s space.    
  
“Is this what’s wrong with you?” 

“What?” It’s incredulous, violet eyes wary as they look into cobalt. 

“This. This case--these cases. Is this what’s wrong with you?” Heero is intent and Duo remembers again what it’s like to be something to be solved. To have the full focus of that solution-orientated gaze settled firmly on him and he fights a sudden surge of panic. Duo snorts and rolls his eyes. 

“Nothing’s wrong with me. Maybe you’re projecting, huh?”    
  
“Duo.” Heero manages to lace every letter of his name with exasperation. Manages to put an entire friendship’s worth of Sick of Duo’s Shit into it and Duo wants to be proud, God. He wants to feel anything other than the shame, the terror. The sick swirling in his stomach any time his thoughts get too close to Wufei, to the way his breath hitches and his skin burns. The way he feels scrambled and safe all at once when they’re in the same room and Duo plasters on a grin. Shrugs a shoulder. 

“I’m fine, ‘Ro. Honest. Just caught up, you know?”    
  
“Wufei thinks he did something wrong. He says you’re acting weird.” There’s a knowing look on Heero’s face that punches Duo in the gut. He thinks he should be used to it by now but he’s not. He laughs, bright and cheery and false and shrugs. Doesn’t think about how untrue it is, how close to something else it is. Wufei is perfect. Wufei hasn’t done anything and the issue is Duo. The issue is all Duo and he feels guilt so swiftly he knows it shows on his face. Knows that hiding it from Heero is impossible and so he doesn’t try. Running a hand through his hair he lets his shoulders slump and nods, acknowledging what they don’t say. That yes, fine, something is wrong but no, Duo isn’t going to talk about it. Can’t talk about it, the words catching in his throat, tangling in the barbs of panic. 

“I’ll talk to him,” Duo says, sincerely. Knows he’ll have to. Wufei doesn’t deserve that--doesn’t deserve to think he’s done something wrong when it’s Duo. When it’s Duo who’s at fault, Duo who’s fucked up beyond words, falling for his best friend when it’s not supposed to be that way. When they’re just supposed to be friends, and he’s not supposed to want this how he does but he does and Duo--takes a deep breath and nods. Offers Heero a shaky smile. “I promise, ‘Ro. I’ll talk to him.”    
  
“Good,” Heero says, firm. He leans away from Duo and points to the case file Duo’s been building, slowly and in secret. “It’s not a lot, but I think you’re onto something. Your gut usually is. Let me know what else you find.” The friend he is not in love with flashes him a small, barely there smile and leaves, and Duo takes the praise for what it’s supposed to be: a balm. Something to soothe, to tell him that everything is going to be okay. Duo nods and smiles and then very slowly rests his head on the desk. Wishes he hadn’t said the word promise because how--how can he go home and talk to Wufei and not lie, tell some half-truth the man won’t see through and Duo. Takes a deep breath and lets it out and pulls his focus back to the case file. Back to another trainee dead and more blood on his hands.

* * *

Dinner is the easiest part of going home. He tells Wufei about the file and listens to Wufei talk about his day and nods and asks questions and genuinely cares about the answers. Stores each of them away, with each smile and each warm glance. Duo knows that any moment they could be taken away. That any moment could be the moment he slips, the moment Wufei realizes that Duo can’t stop thinking about his mouth. That Duo wants to reach across the table and take Wufei’s hand and never let it go. It shakes through him, rattles his teeth. Keeps him on guard and tense even as he laughs. Even as he smiles across the table. Wufei is everything to him and Duo will do whatever it takes to keep his mouth shut, even if that means choking to death. 

It’s after dinner that hurts. When the silence comes and Duo sits on the couch with Wufei and keeps himself to himself. Keeps his hands and his cold toes and tries hard to be normal. To keep the hammering of his heart at a manageable level as they watch TV together and the conversation turns stilted. Shuts down as the anxiety builds, panic like bile in the back of his throat. Duo tries to convince himself that he doesn’t want anything. That he’s not fighting every minute to keep his mouth shut. To keep his feelings to himself, his problem, too aware of how their friendship would shatter under the blow of what he feels. Of how this quiet, peaceful life he’s built with himself and the most important person in his world would crumble under the weight of how much he  _ wants.  _ _  
_

It takes him almost an hour to work up to it. Across from him he can see now that Wufei is also tense. He can see the way he worries on the inside of his jaw, the way he watches Duo out of the corner of his eye. Duo has a moment of hope--that maybe they’re watching for the same reason. That maybe it could be more than he thinks and they could have something real, and precious. Something to cradle between them on the nights when the Hells they’ve walked through together and alone get too loud to drown out. It’s a glimpse of Heaven, everything Duo’s ever wanted and been too afraid for settled on the hurt tense at the corner of Wufei’s mouth and--The hope that doesn’t burst as much as it--deflates. Turns to ash and settles over him, a reminder of what he can and cannot have. 

“Hey,” Duo says, out of nowhere. He shifts to face Wufei and curls his legs under himself. Crosses his arms over his chest. “I know I’ve been weird lately. You know I’m not mad at you, right?”    
  
Wufei snorts. “Weird. Is that what this is?”    
  
“Yeah,” Duo swallows. Tries to make it soft, quiet. His heart races and he can’t figure out how to quiet it. How to still the way it rushes against his ribcage like it could get free, if it tried. Take itself out of his chest and offer itself to Wufei with nothing required from Duo at all. He rests his elbow on the back of the couch, watching as the other man turns to face him as well. Watches as Wufei opens and shuts his mouth. The way he clenches his jaw and looks away, blinking rapidly.    
  
“Did I do something?”    
  
“What?” Duo is horrified. “No. No, Wufei, you didn’t do anything. You didn’t do a single thing wrong.” He reaches out to squeeze Wufei’s hand. Touching Wufei is like touching a brand. Like touching a star as it burns and he feels all the air go out of his lungs. He swallows and takes his hand back and tries his best to lie without lying, the way he always does. “This thing at work. I know I’m close to something--Heero came and looked it over with me today--but I can’t. I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what to do.”    
  
Wufei watches him, black eyes dark and suspicious. There’s enough truth in what Duo’s saying that he knows it’s not a lie. Hopes there’s enough truth there that Wufei won’t press. Won’t ask for more, for Duo to draw out the litany of his shame, the scattered sins of his heart. It isn’t that Wufei is a man--it’s that Wufei is his friend. His best friend and more than that. The betrayal is so absolute Duo wishes he could voice it. Wishes he could let it breathe between them so he could accept whatever punishment Wufei thought he deserved.    
  
“You know I’m here if you want to talk,” Wufei says, finally. Carefully. A loaded bomb in a room already full of shrapnel. Duo nods.    
  
“I know, Fei,” he smiles crookedly. “Thanks.”    
  
There is silence, after. The TV rests between them and Duo, after a moment, slides his feet across the couch. It’s for Wufei, he tells himself. It’s to give Wufei some reassurance that Wufei hasn’t done anything wrong, that Wufei is okay, they’re okay. And they are, it’s just that Duo’s head is a little fucked up. Can’t tell the difference between friendship and romance and gets caught in the middle of the two, stuck on barbed wire and wanting. Wufei’s shoulder’s loosen as soon as Duo’s feet tuck under his thigh and Duo lets out a breath. Keeps his eyes on the TV and can’t help the way his thoughts drift. The way his mind fills in the gaps: Wufei’s hand on his ankle. A silence that is home, not brittle and waiting to be broken. A love that goes both ways.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks for GoodIdeaAtTheTime for jumping in to beta after I realized how many typos I was making


End file.
